Frequently our clients are medicating unbalanced personal relationships. As usual, it doesn’t much matter how this imbalance developed, but it frequently starts with a controlling spouse vs. a passive spouse.

This progresses over time, predictably, with the controller – who is just as apt to be a woman as a man, despite stereotypes to the contrary – becoming ever more aggressive in attempts to manage the drinker’s behavior. Of course the drinker retaliates by upping their consumption in a passive aggressive FU directed at the controller.

By the time we enter the picture the relationship has been reduced to a crossfire of passivity, aggression, and passive-aggression.

I doubt if any of you are surprised by how unhappy everyone involved is – and “everyone” frequently includes children, extended family, friends, and assorted others who take sides or otherwise contribute to the general chaos.

Welcome to dysfunction junction.

Notice that the one behavior no one is exhibiting is assertiveness?

That’s mostly because the passive person, when sober, is afraid to step-up to being assertive, and the aggressor usually equates moving from aggression to assertion as “wimping out.”

We address this mess by starting with the drinker. That’s not because the drinker is solely at fault, but, fairly or not, by abusing alcohol you have guaranteed that you are the one who’s going to need to go first.

With that established we can institute the CBT discussed above so that you can begin to overcome your passivity and inch up towards being assertive. It’s a slow progression because you have to establish, or re-establish, your position of equality with your spouse or significant other.

But the aggressor is not going to fall all over themselves to give you back your vote.

That’s why this all takes some time – roughly a year – to create a new “normal” within your relationship(s). Otherwise, pushing too hard and too fast simply results in the other one sabotaging your progress in order to maintain their power and “I’m not the problem” position.

Sound like a challenge? It is. But with careful pacing, and a degree of good will and good humor on both your parts, amazing changes, increased intimacy, reduced stress, and greatly enhanced self-esteem (well-earned I might add) are the result.

Yes, anxiety can be reduced, depression lifted (especially when you are no longer consuming massive amounts of a depressant), boredom and loneliness reduced if not banished, and the childishness of drinking alone replaced by the childlike positive regressions or enjoying each other in playful ways.

If that sounds better than what you’re now living, we suggest you think about learning to manage your life to your own satisfaction and, ultimately, to the increased happiness of those around you. Learn more by booking an appointment below.